Again I want to get past the word vomit like I did last time and just go straight to the point. Yesterday I experienced a typical (to me) high anxiety moment and I think the only thing that stopped it from progressing to an anxiety attack was my phone. I was trying to keep my focus on that by writing in my notes what I was feeling and going through so here is my story from yesterday.
The Late Bus
To get to my job I have to take 2 buses, it is not as long-winded as it seems, on a good day leaving work at 3:30 I will be home for just turn 4 o’clock. Unfortunately it wasn’t so simple for me that day, my 2nd bus is at 3:46pm and my 1st bus there is usually one 1 to 6 minutes for a 6 minute journey to my 2nd bus stop. Due to my anxiety I have planned this journey and checked it a lot to make sure it is right, as if I miss that 2nd bus I will have to wait an hour for the next bus.
Okay I am babbling, so to cut a long story short, my first bus was late it turned up at 3:40pm, yes I had checked the time probably every 30 seconds as each second went by I felt the anxiety rise. If the bus driver would pick up and drive on there is a small chance I could make it, I have no such luck, the bus driver swapped with another and decided to have a mothers meeting which felt like it went on for hours but clearly only a few minutes. Honestly in my mind I was calling the bus driver every name under the sun how dare he do this, first you are late and now you think it is a good time for a chat. At the same time of having the thought of going up to him and telling him to drive the fucking bus. I checked my phone 3:47pm, the anxiety fireworks has now been lit and at that moment the bus felt 100 times smaller and every eye was on me (obviously that is not the case).
Breath Vicky, I kept telling myself, there must be a plan B right?? SO I googled a plan B and I found one. So my bitch of anxiety went back into her cave, victory is mine I thought. I found if I got another bus after this one to a place closer to where I live I can get another bus which we get me home for 4:30. Only half an hour later than normal, that’s okay I thought.
So I make it to the final bus stop for the 4:19pm bus I needed to get to get home for 4:30pm in plenty of time. 4:19pm came, no bus, 4:25pm came, no bus, 4:30pm came and no fucking bus. Well guess who came out of their fucking cave, yes you guessed it, here is the bitch of anxiety and she has an attitude on her because I made her go away before. In her lovely bag of goodies she has brought, sweating, twitching, heart palpitations and paranoia. As more and more cars drove past I felt they were looking at me like they knew what was going on. I felt like my heart was going to jump out my chest. The bitch of anxiety was not done making me suffer though; she was about to pull out her final weapon, when at 4:59 the bus turned up.
The bus driver didn’t seem to care he was late or I was close to having a breakdown, he even nearly shut the doors on me that’s how much he cared the effect his lateness has caused me. At this point I wanted to dig a hole and sit and cry in it.
I finally made it home at 5:10pm. As soon as I walked through my door I just broke down, I cried for feeling so weak, I cried for feeling so stupid, I cried for being a bitch and blaming the bus drivers.
I have obviously calmed down since yesterday and the bitch of anxiety has gone back in her cave, but she still has kept a toe out. I still can feel the anxiety slightly under my skin laying dormant for the smallest thing to go wrong to invite the bitch back out her cave.
So to all those people out there who think mental health issues are just in people’s minds, well yeah technically it is but I hope that your mind never turns on you like it can turned me on me.
Take care all,