Hey everyone 🙂
Hope everyone had a great weekend! Firstly thank you to everyone who follows my little blog, I hit 200 followers over the weekend, it means the world to me that people take such an interest in my crazy little things! 🙂
Even though this weekend wasn’t good or bad, I had really bad case of anxiety on Friday, which has triggered a low mood. I am now in a place where I am over thinking everything and it is hard to grab hold of the runaway train. So thank you bitch of anxiety for raining on my parade. Sometimes my low moods actually have a theme and unfortunately, this low mood seems to be focusing on my physical appearance, (insert eye roll). This is a hard subject for me, as it is something I am aware of but something I kind of don’t do anything about.
I have an unhealthy relationship with food and probably have for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I do not see it changing for a long time as I think it is so second nature to me and I don’t know any different. I have spoken to my therapist once about it at the beginning; it’s now though a subject I avoid to talk about at all costs. I am the type of person you can call stupid or a bitch or rude but mention anything and I mean anything at all related to my size or food and it is like a stab to the heart, I just can not handle it. Even if it’s a compliment like “ oh you look like you have lost some weight” my mind automatically goes well that person thought you were fat you know that right. (Why oh why is my mind against me).
I know the start of my unhealthy relationship is when I was younger and I was criticised constantly by my parents about my size and what I ate, but why doesn’t there seem an ending to the relationship. I have been on and off diets for about 20 years now and still no smaller, I know I have PCOS which is a contributor to it as it is harder for me to lose weight. But because of what went on when I was younger I know have little habits of when I eat things that are deemed as unhealthy, I hide the evidence down the sofa or under a chair. Yes, I know the best place would be in the trash, but in my head, someone will check there and know it was mine.
As a way of explaining and a way of me accepting I have a problem these are my food struggles:
• Hiding evidence of eating unhealthy food.
• Stress eating, no self-control due to the emotional connection with food.
• Struggle to eat in front of people.
• Can’t eat certain food, due to a phobia developed from being force-fed them.
• Sickness and shame nearly after every meal.
• Constant need to diet.
See guys and girls even though I think I can come across as someone who has a handle of things with their mental health issues, I still have struggles and flaws that I need to overcome. I am still a work in progress.
Take care all