Put Down The Broom

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Hey everyone,

Calmness is here everyone! It has taken nearly a week to get over my anxiety from last weekend. I do fear though, that it has been my new routine of going to my great job and having some structure Monday to Friday to then having to structure on the weekend, which sends my mind into chaos. Does anyone else have the same problem? I am between a rock and a hard place though, if I make plans for the weekend I am running the risk of causing anxiety, if I don’t make plans I run the risk of feeling low. This how finding balance thing is so hard, but it is a process and it is going to take time for me to do that.
Wow, I just went straight into moaning, so as I should have started before I hope everyone is having a good week, and from the blogs and communication on twitter and Instagram seems like a lot of people are 🙂 if you are not, well I hope things get easier.
Today I wanted to talk about the day I beat bullying at school, but as soon as I started writing out the plan for the blog my mood dropped and flashbacks started, so that story will have to wait. Instead, today will be…………..

My tip for today…… NO SWEEPING!!

What I mean by that is, we are all guilty of sweeping things under the rug whether that is problems you’re having, issues with other people, emotions etc. Anything can be swept up under that rug. When we get into that habit though, that small pile turns into a mountain that we just can’t avoid. Instead of just dealing with one problem, you end up with dealing with about 50. I am just as guilty as doing this, sometimes I don’t want to rock the boat, and this then causes me to have meltdowns because I can’t climb that mountain. So rip off that bandage, if someone is talking to you in a way you don’t like, tell him or her. If you are struggling with something address it because in the long run no matter how painful it is when you do it you will be better off. So put down the broom from time to time it will be worth it.

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

 

It’s Ok To Be You

 

635970606567048869-686878366_original.jpgHey everyone,

So things have been rather busy with my job, so I haven’t posted as much or used my social media as much as I used to. I have decided to give myself a kick up the bum and going to start planning my blogs more and being more organized. I have a planner but I mainly use when I have ideas for blogs and write them down.
These last few days has definitely had its ups and downs, I feel now I have a job that I don’t dread about going to and it’s something I have wanted to do for a long time has really helped settle my moods. Unfortunately, though my anxiety has been a lot harder to control. I feel like I am like a seesaw when one goes up the other goes down. I get so frustrated with myself, I try to open up to people about it, then I feel better, then I over think about telling them and then open up again, so around and around I go.
Ahhhh I get it now my mind is like a playground, with the seesaw moods, the vicious cycle merry-go-round, and the swing of shame, coming soon the slide of emotion. I think it is time I stop going to the playground.

This leads me to my tip of the day…….. IT’S OK NOT BEING OK!

We can be our own worse critic, we condemn ourselves over the smallest things. We just want to be better, but we can’t jump from 0 to 100 in one leap. So it is ok to go through the steps even if 12 is good and 67 is bad because each step we are learning and improving. I know I beat myself up all the time for letting people see I am not ok because I don’t want them thinking less of me. Good days and bad days are going to happen, and how do you expect people to be ok with your mental illness if you are not.
Over the weekend I had an anxiety attack before I went to a party with my friends, but I didn’t just paint on a smile and pretend everything is ok when I got there. I told them what happened so I had no pressure to act differently to what I was feeling, and after a while there I felt better. I am not going to lie the day after I had massive anxiety about opening up and being honest like that but I am still glad I did it, as it is ok not being ok.

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Versatile Blogger Award

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Hey, everyone 🙂

So I have been nominated by the lovely Nia wonderlandsangels.wordpress.com and Colin itsmecolin.wordpress.com for the versatile blogger award. It is so important bloggers support one another, we may blog about the same things or different, but I love the diversity of the blogger community.

So let’s go straight to it, 7 interesting facts about me:

1. I love! love! LOVE the 80’s, from 80’s music, 80’s films to the fashion. If a time machine were ever built that’s the first place I would go, so I could enjoy the things I love. Like going to see the breakfast club or Ghostbusters at the cinema. I would love if my life were like an 80’s rom-com.
2. I can sing, feels weird saying this it is like I am bragging. I have done multiple musicals and would love to get back into amateur theatre again. Funny story, when I met my boyfriend’s friends I was very quiet and barely spoke to them for a couple of years (thank you social anxiety). We were at a wedding one-day with them all and my boyfriend decided it is time for me to come out my shell. So after many shots of tequila I opened my mouth and sang and they were shocked and from that day on I now see them as my friends and got a cool nickname “The Voice “.
3. I hate baked beans, I think they are the food of the devil. There is not enough money in the world anyone could give me to eat one! I don’t even like them near me as even looking at them makes me feel ill.
4. I have loved doing jigsaws since I was a kid and was even in a jigsaw club. My coffee table has a glass top and I like to do cool jigsaws to put under there. So far I have had the marvel universe and Disney.
5. I am a believer, as in I believe in aliens and ghosts, I have never been abducted lol but I have had weird experiences with spirits. I get things moved a lot and switches being turned on and off and also felt someone’s presence.
6. If someone told me I had3 wishes one of them would be that Santa was real. It sounds crazy but I love the magical aspect if it and remember how happy it made me when I was child when I believed Santa. I think with the darkness in this world we all could do with some magic now and then.
7. The only bone I have ever broken is my big toe, I kicked a wall once bare footed, not on purpose, went to kick someone and they moved, I know it is my own fault.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my not so interesting facts about me! My nominations are:

 

Take care all

Vixxy Rose
XXX

Food Not So Glorious Food

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Firstly thank you to everyone who follows my little blog, I hit 200 followers over the weekend, it means the world to me that people take such an interest in my crazy little things! 🙂

Even though this weekend wasn’t good or bad, I had really bad case of anxiety on Friday, which has triggered a low mood. I am now in a place where I am over thinking everything and it is hard to grab hold of the runaway train. So thank you bitch of anxiety for raining on my parade. Sometimes my low moods actually have a theme and unfortunately, this low mood seems to be focusing on my physical appearance, (insert eye roll). This is a hard subject for me, as it is something I am aware of but something I kind of don’t do anything about.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and probably have for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I do not see it changing for a long time as I think it is so second nature to me and I don’t know any different. I have spoken to my therapist once about it at the beginning; it’s now though a subject I avoid to talk about at all costs. I am the type of person you can call stupid or a bitch or rude but mention anything and I mean anything at all related to my size or food and it is like a stab to the heart, I just can not handle it. Even if it’s a compliment like “ oh you look like you have lost some weight” my mind automatically goes well that person thought you were fat you know that right. (Why oh why is my mind against me).
I know the start of my unhealthy relationship is when I was younger and I was criticised constantly by my parents about my size and what I ate, but why doesn’t there seem an ending to the relationship. I have been on and off diets for about 20 years now and still no smaller, I know I have PCOS which is a contributor to it as it is harder for me to lose weight. But because of what went on when I was younger I know have little habits of when I eat things that are deemed as unhealthy, I hide the evidence down the sofa or under a chair. Yes, I know the best place would be in the trash, but in my head, someone will check there and know it was mine.
As a way of explaining and a way of me accepting I have a problem these are my food struggles:

• Hiding evidence of eating unhealthy food.
• Stress eating, no self-control due to the emotional connection with food.
• Struggle to eat in front of people.
• Can’t eat certain food, due to a phobia developed from being force-fed them.
• Sickness and shame nearly after every meal.
• Constant need to diet.

See guys and girls even though I think I can come across as someone who has a handle of things with their mental health issues, I still have struggles and flaws that I need to overcome. I am still a work in progress.

Take care all
Vixxy Rose
XXX

Sister Act

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Hey everyone 🙂

So today I was doing my usual browsing of Pinterest, that app is so addictive, am I the only one who has basically Pinterested (is that even a word) their life for the next few years! Well because I love looking at the quotes, on my suggested wall a quote popped up which was kind caused a reaction like a little stab to the heart.
It was like one of those moments where time stood still, my heart-felt like it was going to beat its self out of my chest, the walls were closing in and mind was going a mile a minute. It may seem crazy how just words on a screen can cause that sort of emotional reaction. These words though, felt like I had written them myself.

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These are the reason why it hit me so hard. I have 3 siblings and we are all so different and we all have our quirks, like most siblings. My one sister though, we were like chalk and cheese. We had your normal sisterly arguments, I take her stuff without asking or I was the annoying little sister who wanted to be around her constantly. Also great times like making up dance routines and watching Disney films together. Over time though our differences pulled us further and further apart, plus having six years between us meant when I was wanting to play while she was hitting her teenage moody years!
But other things came into play, I started to feel more and more my parents made out that my sister was the good daughter and I was the bad daughter. I was bullied at school she was popular. I wanted to stay in bed as long as could she would get up and early and help around the house. She grew up to be a beautiful woman and I was the fat ugly one. I was always told to suck in my belly put on diets from the age of 10 and was humiliated when clothes wouldn’t fit me when they fitted my sister at a certain age. I remember writing a letter to my sister and sliding it under her door, asking her to show me how to be like her so mom and dad would love me. There were times where my parents would even involve my sister in things with me when I did something wrong and it definitely caused more strain to the point where we just stopped talking altogether.
But now years later I can say my sister is one of my best friends, there was a family situation last year that brought us closer together. We are still very different people but have accepted that about each other and learned to build a bond. I speak to her most days and I now can speak to her about anything and I will never let anything get between us again. I don’t know what I would do with out her.
I now know in a way my parents wrongly (even though they would disagree with this) loved us and treated us in different ways, to the point where it felt we were pitted against one another. It was helpful to them in a way we did not get along. For a long time, I felt like I lived in her shadows and I had a lot of jealousy towards her. My opens have been opened and I now realize that she has her own issues and problems like myself, things were not as rosy as I thought there were for her. I am so proud of the strength she has and the woman she has become and I can definitely say I look up to my sister for all the right reasons.

Take care all

Vixxy Rose

XXX

Knowledge + Power = Superhero!

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope you all had a great weekend, mine was hard, I had a situation that caused me to have high anxiety and took me most the weekend to calm down from it. I glad I have though, as I don’t want to carry the anxiety and stress forward to next week, considering I am starting my new job :). I did have nominations one for a Liebster award and one for Versatile Blogger award by the lovely Nia Shea from wonderlandsangels.wordpress.com. Thank you so much means a lot to me and I am so glad people enjoy my blogs! I will be completing my posts for these awards this week.
It is so important as a blogger to read other people’s blogs and interact and help one another. I have learned so much and enjoyed other  people’s blogs and in these last few months, as it has helped me more ways than one. So thank you to the other bloggers out there for inspiring this small time blogger.

So my tip for today is…… LEARN!!!

I personally think that we never stop learning but you have to accept the knowledge you gain to truly learn by it. This past few months strike that, most my life has been a whirlwind, but it has only been recently I have learned things about myself. I knew I had a mental illness and PCOS but I didn’t learn anything about it I just accepted. So I decided to put in the research about those conditions and other people with them, because of that my eyes have been opened and I have become more accepting of myself.
It is so easy to become defeated and take a negative view of things when you suffer from mental illness, Why is that? Because a negative viewpoint, as it is comfortable and feels like the norm, compared to taking a positive outlook which can be new and scary, the risks always seem greater. The more risks you learn to take the quicker you will learn that the risks were worth it.
We can learn :
• To trust others again
• To trust ourselves
• We are not alone
• Things are not always as bad as they seem
• Pain doesn’t have to last forever
The list can go on and on because there are always new things to learn, as it is true what they say, knowledge is power and I think we all have the ability to learn we have the power to be a superhero.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Frenemies

 

1fdb3e9e9c3f8d3997a2624b25a86f12--negativity-quotes-anger-quotes.jpgHey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone is having a good week, not far off the weekend now (inside cheer!). I had some good news this week my new job has moved up my start date so I will be starting on Monday eeeek!! I am so excited and so anxious at the same time. What if people don’t like me? What if they are mean? What if I am rubbish at it? So on and so on…. Yep thank you bitch of anxiety for butting into my life when it is going ok, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
This week I have noticed a few people tweeting about the same thing, losing friendships because of their mental illness. It definitely struck a chord with me and made a rush of emotions and memories come flooding through my mind. So I thought I would approach this subject the best way I know how. So many people have lost friendships due to friends not handling their mental illness very well and this is my experience with it.

This is a letter to my ex-best friend…..

To my ex-best friend,

So what has it been now 5 years since we last spoke, well I say spoke but the last words we spoke to one another weren’t exactly pleasant. So a lot has changed in these last 5 years, I hear through the grape-vine you have a son now and you have fixed things with your mom I am so happy for you.
Wait a minute what am I doing! Why am I being so nice? I hate to admit this but I am still angry with you, I treated you like a sister, I helped you when no one else did, I stuck up for you when people were upset with you, I helped you whenever you needed it. How do you repay me? By turning your back on me again when I needed you the most. Yes twice I forgave you the first time against my better judgment and everyone else telling me not to, and no matter how there are still times now where I miss you, I will not forgive you again.
We were two peas in a pod, we did everything together we had similar issues. Both our home lives were unstable and yes there were times you stood by me as much as I stood by you so what changed? You took me in when I was kicked out and yes I was not the best houseguest but I tried my best. I would have gone to the end of the earth for you and how do you repay me when I decide to leave, by destroying everything I owned, including letters I had from my nan before she died. How could you do that? You know how much she meant to me you had the same relationship with your nan. Instead of coming to me you had a problem with me staying you just decided to alienate me from my friends and decimate my character even to my own family.
As usual, I forgave you didn’t I! A friend of ours calls me a few months later telling me she was worried about you and your behavior, and what do I do I come over the next day and try to talk to you but you turn me away like I was nothing. But eventually, we did fix things again we were back to 2 peas in a pod. We were hanging out every day again with our other friend having laughs making memories. We were the three amigos! Remember the time we went to theme park dressed as pirates 🙂 The late night meet ups at the park as we didn’t live that far away from one another. But I was struggling I wanted to tell you I really did I didn’t mean to lie and make excuses for not meeting up. Home life was getting bad again and my depression was just wearing me down day by day I didn’t know what to do. But if you remember I did come to you and tell you and what did you do, you came into my home and flushed my anti-depressant down the toilet. It was my choice to take them not yours. So I stopped coming out and was making stupid decisions and yes I lied but I felt like you were treating me like a child telling what to do. Then one day you turned your back and told me you wanted nothing to do with me, you used my issues I confided to you against me. Told me what a bad person I was and again just turned so cold, didn’t 7 years of friendship mean nothing to you! Ok so you didn’t want to be my friend anymore fine but there was no need to do the things you did. Like the time when our friend’s mom passed away and I told you and then you proceeded to say I was using a dead woman to try and talk to you again. How sick do you think I am!

I could go on and on. But you know what I do wish you well even though you turned your back on me. I know I have issues and I accept that. But you my dear have demons yourself and one day you should face them too.

Well thank you for the memories

Vicky
xxx