My idea for this post has probably been at the back of my mind for a while, but it was something that clicked the other day that made me start writing to get it out there. I know for a fact; blood, sweat, and lots of tears will go into this and I am writing it because I know I need to get it out because it is something I carry with me and sadly will most likely carry with me for a long time.
What is love?
The Collins dictionary definition of love is an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness, and regard towards a person or thing. If only love was that simple for me something I could google and bam that’s it, I can feel it. Sadly I know it’s not that simple for me and I don’t know if it will ever be that simple. Love shouldn’t be a complicated emotion it’s a four letter word, it should be simple right? I think my many issues are linked to this four lettered word some way, not felt loved, wanting to feel loved, love always seemed to come at a cost or just out of reach for me. I feel like if I told people who know me this is how I feel they would definitely look at me like I am crazy, I look like I have it all from the outside. I have family, friends, a boyfriend, a home how the hell can I not feel loved. I can understand why people may jump to the conclusions, but if you look closer at my perfect situation you will see the cracks and they are many and big ones too. My parents were either too busy with work, dealing with their own issues, or ignoring what was going on around them. My dad drank his feelings away and my mom painted on that fake smile no wonder I didn’t understand love. I realized from a young age, after weekends of listening to fights and seeing them get physical with one another one minute and then the next sitting down to Sunday dinner like nothing had happened, I was not going to let love destroy me like it did my family. I never felt their love my dad would give me hugs and kisses but I soon realized that was down to the drink. All I wanted was hugs and kisses but all I got was cold shoulders and criticism, I felt so invisible at home, I would say more but it breaks my heart just thinking about those days. Why was it so hard to love me? why did my mom hate the way I looked and tried to change me? who puts their child on a diet at the age of 10! Why was alcohol more important to my dad than dealing with the fact his little girl was self-harming? Why couldn’t they put their own damn issues aside and see the toxic relationship they were in was having a negative effect on their kids. But I did have someone my Nan, she was my idol, my best friend, my world. I could tell my nan anything and I always felt the love from her. Even when I ran away once and my parents called her over thinking she would rip me a new one, but she didn’t she sat and cried with me she saw the sadness within me. I guess I wasn’t meant to feel that kind of love for a long time as sadly she passed after my 18th. Yes, I was sad when she passed but god I was so angry how dare she leaves me with these people why take that love away from me, again don’t I deserve to feel loved? From that day I suffered the same pattern over and over, I let people in and they walked away one by one.
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I a horrible person?
Is this going to be my life?
Am I always going to love people and not get it in return? I am not perfect and I have done some terrible things in my life, I am not saying it’s an excuse but I did those things because I was so numb and empty. Hurt first before I get hurt I guess. The wall I have around my heart is so thick I don’t know if it will ever come down, I still will do my best making other people feel loved and cared for but I will struggle to let them show me love in return, as the day may come when they too will walk away. But I am working on it I have a boyfriend and friends now and a great relationship with my siblings now. Will I get my happy ending? I guess we will see.
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
Eden Ahbez, “Nature Boy” (song, recorded by Nat King Cole)