Hey all 🙂
So I have started to write about bringing the pieces of joy back in my life, it is harder than it seems, as there always seems to be a reminder every day of my depression and anxiety but I have to keep fighting… don’t I????
These last few days though, the dark cloud seems to of lifted a bit and I can now think straight a bit more without dark thoughts clouding my judgment. I am enjoying books again without the urge of just reading to get lost. I am not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts to be scared of what I am thinking. Not feeling scared to be around people in case they will see the internal struggle somehow and judge. Being able to enjoy music, listening to every lyric and every note and letting it speak to me in a positive way.
“Everybody gets high sometimes, you know
What else can we do when we’re feeling low?
So take a deep breath and let it go
You shouldn’t be drowning on your own”
The first verse of Cold Water by Major Lazer. This is someone I wouldn’t normally listen to but an acoustic cover came on my playlist and I was like wow. I can relate to these lyrics as I am trying to get high on joy to bring me back from my dark times and I know I am not the only one.
To bring it back then, the second piece of my joy puzzle is I went to a BBQ at my friend’s house. Do you know how happy that makes me say, MY FRIENDS, these people didn’t know me 5 years ago and yes they were my boyfriend’s friends but they make me feel like one of them and I don’t know what I would do without them? I even joked about if my boyfriend and I split, I get to keep them in the separation (but they don’t know I was not joking they are stuck with me now). Even though they are my friends, the diva of my mind (my anxiety) wanted to ask a few questions. What if they don’t really like you? Do you think they remember when you broke a chair? And are you seriously going to eat around them? Etc. So yeah thanks a lot diva for that little reminder but I got my big butt dressed and out I had to prove I could get pass these thoughts and I missed them.
I am so glad I went it was a wonderful night as always. We even stayed up till midnight like the party animals we are 🙂 trust me that’s crazy for my friends as they all have kids.
So because there were so many plusses, too many to list and I don’t want to bore you. I will talk about the negatives. Well, my friend’s dad and stepmom came over for a bit. Yeah, I am not great with people I don’t know very well, it took me 2 years to speak to my boyfriend’s friends (a story for another day) but the stepmom insulted me from the get go. I may be being over-sensitive and don’t get me wrong this woman is a lovely woman I have met her a few times. Obviously not gave her lasting impression of myself as she preceded to greet everyone and got to me and was who are you? I have not met you before. Well color me red I wanted the ground to swallow me, I felt like saying I was at your son’s wedding and your grandchild’s christening and birthdays etc. how dare you! Are you that ignorant?? Am I the only person who thinks, even she didn’t recognize me she didn’t have to say that it’s called being polite. Well I am proud that I didn’t let it show it hurt me I just smiled and said hello as I have manors. I wish this stopped there but oh no my life is not that easy. After everyone explained to her she has met me a few times my friends dad asked a strange question, so who here don’t have kids?? My boyfriend and me raise our hands, and we were met with, what’s wrong with you don’t you want kids? Not responsible adults yet then? Not married yet then? It was like he went inside my head and had a read through my book of issues and picked those topics to ask questions about. Firstly who does that? And secondly just because someone doesn’t have kids doesn’t make them abnormal being insensitive makes you abnormal. It struck a chord with me, as it is something I want. I want kids and marriage but my boyfriend is not ready, so it’s something we do argue about but this was a BBQ, not a therapy session. Again I laughed it off and made a joke about my boyfriend being a big kid and I don’t need another one yet. That is what I do best use humor to deflect, as it’s easier. It’s bizarre how that made me go from feeling comfortable and at home with these people to feeling like an outsider once again. Lets just say I was little happy when they left I felt I could breath a bit better, as to the outsider I probably looked like I was relaxing listening to conversations. Where actually I was trying not let the bad feelings take over and make me get up and leave and I was too scared to speak around them because of the fear of being judged.
What I can take from this day though I did have a great time and I overcome anxiety and depression and not let it control me. I could have got up and left when I felt uncomfortable but I didn’t I stayed and it was worth it. 🙂 Nothing is perfect and I have learned joy still can shine through the dark cloud. So that was my second piece of my joy puzzle. Remember one day at a time.
I am trying not to be afraid anymore whether I rise or fall.