Hi all 🙂
So today was the day one of the joy puzzles. For those who don’t know, the joy puzzle is me trying to bring back the joy in my life one piece at a time. Once I build up more pieces hopefully I will be able to build a bigger picture of how to feel joy again and have that feeling stay.
Well today, because it was such a beautiful day and my day off I thought I would go and sit at the park by my house since I don’t have a garden, the joys of apartments :(. Since that idea popped into my head my anxiety decided to be part of that decision.Typical anxiety being a DIVA and wanting to part of everything that I do, always asking questions like, your know people will see you? and it’s hot outside your going to sweat you know that? Will people laugh at you know that, right? and my favorite question your summer body won’t be ready for at least 10 more years if you’re lucky you know this right? Because my anxiety butted in, it sent me into a turmoil of what to wear to cover up as much as I can and not be too hot, what fits me? where are my sunglasses? So I don’t have to look at anyone. This went on and on for hours sadly of me debating and arguing with myself about going.
There is one thing I know and that is I am a bit of a diva myself and today an even bigger diva than anxiety as I won 🙂 So after changing outfits a few times ok ok a lot of times, I had my phone fully charged, a book, blanket, water and sunglasses I was ready to go. I made my way to the park at three and found myself a spot in the corner and tried to relax. It took me a good 10 minutes before I even started to relax but with the sun soaking into my skin and the escapism the book I was reading provided, I soon started to relax. Anxiety didn’t totally leave me alone now and then it would speak up. For instance, if someone came too close to me my anxiety would say ” they are laughing at you Vicky” “you don’t belong here, Vicky “. For once though I didn’t listen I was too proud of myself for being here and was determined nothing was going to ruin this moment.
Well apart from my bladder, as after 2 hours and a bottle of water my bladder was soon telling me to head home. I couldn’t hide the smile on my face as I walked home. I can’t believe I did it I thought. I am wearing a dress outside and with people, round me, I didn’t run home screaming I felt like air punching. If I weren’t too scared of flashing my knickers and of course fearing if someone would have seen it, I so would of but I guess mentally air punching will do for now.
The best parts of today were I didn’t give in to anxiety I made it outside and joined the society. Also, it was so lovely to see young children playing in the park like I used to maybe technology isn’t completely ruining them. The worst part of the day is that I didn’t completely get rid of my anxiety for the day it was always there at the back of my mind reminding me now and then. I guess that’s two against one though, so that means the first puzzle added bring on much more :). Even though there is a chance I may overthink it later I still did it and it brought me joy 🙂
Thank you for reading 🙂
P.S the top picture is from one of my favorite films The Breakfast Club 🙂
P.P.S me at the park 🙂