Hi again 🙂
I didn’t think it would be possible I have so much I want to share and say but I have writer’s block eurgh!!! Even though I have depression and anxiety it doesn’t define who I am. I am still me I like to see the funny side to life whenever I can. Have you to right? Some people call depression the black dog or the black cloud me I call it the pain in my ass. One day I can go to bed feeling good then wake up feeling completely empty inside. Like seriously did something come along and suck the joy out when I was asleep did my snoring not put it off? So when I do eventually drag myself out of bed looking like an extra from the walking dead I look in the mirror and it’s me not looking back anymore. My green eyes no longer sparkle, my smile irritates me too much gum not enough teeth and don’t get me started on my hair (dry and greasy how is that possible!). Well, that’s where it starts and then it’s not about my outward appearance it’s on the inside I’m not smart enough I failed in life I am not a good person. Do you see it’s a runaway train I can’t help myself, which makes me feel even worse I know what is going on but I can’t stop it?
I am scared that I have lost who I am in the fog. Am I the person when the black cloud isn’t above me? I am the person who struggles to look in the mirror, to be around other but also scared of my own thoughts? I am the person who puts the mask on and smiles and tells people that I am ok when I am not??
Who am I??
Well, I am only human. Don’t we all feel lost at times don’t we all pretend to be something we are not at some point in our life’s? Some people are better at hiding it than others but I guess I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.
I am learning to let go of the anger I have for the people who should see this battle I was going through at such a young age as they are only human.
So this is a letter to me not to the past or future but to me on my darkest days because no one can tell me they won’t end.
You are having one of those days again, aren’t you? The light is so far away now that it just looks like a distant star in the night sky. You are not making yourself any better by listening to the same songs over and over again. Vicky, you need to live you need to move forward because who can you aspect people to help you if you can’t help yourself. Stop lying stop telling people what they want to hear because that feeling of loneliness will just get worse. Even if they don’t understand and walk away you have tried. I know it’s difficult letting people in but you’re stuck in such a vicious cycle you need to break it at some point. I know what you’re thinking, as I am you and yes you are scared of your own thoughts but you need to let people care. It’s not too late Victoria, yes I called you that because you need to listen for once in your life. The world will never be what you accepted but that is ok the world is not filled with rainbows and butterflies. Hold on to the good, dance in the kitchen when no one is happy to act out your favorite musicals, watch dirty dancing over and over again even though it annoys the hell of people who cares! Don’t be ashamed to get lost in a good romance book because we all need saving at some point in our life. Yes, you are no angel I know that and this is not punishment for the bad things you have done in life stop thinking that, as it will eat you alive. We are not going to get the answers you want from your family you can’t change what is done. It’s now in your hands to move forward no one else. Hey I know stupid I know you are stubborn as hell and won’t even listen to yourself but I believe in us I believe we can get our happy ending.
Keep dreaming Vicky one day at a time.