My Vicious Cycle (no pun intended)



Hi again welcome back 🙂

I have touched upon the environmental factors that have influenced my mental health so I thought I would share about the medical factors that influence it. I am going to share my journey with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

For those of you who don’t know what that is, I will explain. Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the “sex hormones” Oestrogen and Progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts (benign masses on the ovaries).

PCOS can affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance. Some of the symptom’s of PCOS is irregular periods, weight gain, cysts of the ovaries, difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate), excessive hair growth usually on the face, chest, back or buttocks, thinning hair and hair loss from the head and oily skin or acne. So there is some of the medical jargon out the way.


Without giving you the gruesome unnecessary details, like most girls I started my journey into the valley of the mood swings and hot water bottles at 13. Oh, I remember the tears from my mom, the little goody bag of treats and pads, even my sister was nice to me.

It seemed like smooth sailing once a month, for a few days mild cramps, chocolate craving, I can deal with that. How wrong I was! I think it was normal for about a year and then hell broke lose. I started passing out on periods and the pain was immense.

I don’t blame my mom for thinking I was just being dramatic as I was still new to all this. It wasn’t until the weight started to creep on and my monthlies were getting so bad I got sent home from school. My mom took some advice from a nurse friend to get me to the doctors.

So how does this affect my mental health I hear you ask. Well, when you start putting on weight and being bullied at school it’s not the best combination. When you start passing out in public, I just started to avoid going out.

So this added to the stress. My confidence was just getting lower and lower, made me think why me! They do say there is a link between PCOS and depression as it’s a hormone imbalance. I already felt so different to other girls my age and this just added to it.

Anyway, I got took to the doctors and all my doctor did be give me stronger painkillers, wouldn’t investigate further. Sadly I think this condition helped drive a wedge between me and my Mom, she was already strict on my eating habits as I was bigger than my siblings. It felt like I had a bully at school and a bully at home. I won’t go into too many details as I think I want to write a separate blog about my Mom and me. So I just learned to live with it, dreading when they came around each month. So it wasn’t until I was 17 nearly 18 that all changed. At 17 I had my first boyfriend, things weren’t all bad for a change and then unexpectedly I got pregnant which wasn’t straightforward. I had a burst ectopic pregnancy!

Again I want to save that story for another time.

Sadly the repercussions of this event also affected my mental health, I had never felt so lonely and isolated from everyone and it’s something I never opened up about for 10 years. It was after this my Dad got private health care for his family and I went straight to the doctors and got referred to see if I had PCOS. Finally, I had my answers! I was diagnosed with PCOS. That was it I was put on the pill and left to it. It was up to me to do the research to learn about the other symptoms.


So fast forward a few years, other symptoms have started to show and sometimes I can get control of it, sometimes I can’t. So why I think this has affected my mental health is because not only does this affect the outside of my body, but also the inside. I have zero confidence sometimes because I hate how big I can get; I only have to smell a McDonalds and boom! 2 stone put on.

I fear going out in public and doing normal things like going to the hairdressers to even eat out. I am scared people are going to judge me by my outside appearance. My anxiety can go through the roof as I spent years of people not believing me and judging me; when I know now it’s not my fault.

I fear the future more and more as people my age are having kids but what if I can’t? That clock seems to tick louder and louder. Like anxiety and depression, I shouldn’t let this condition control me but I just can’t help it sometimes. I have the reminders when I work so hard on a diet but the weight is still there. When a friend announces the pregnancy, the sadness kicks in. When the pain is so immense that I miss days from work it makes me feel like a failure. It’s a vicious cycle of PCOS, depression, and anxiety. Sometimes I feel there is no break from it but I still remain hopeful.


I believe this condition is part of the black clouds above my head and I fight to see the sun shine through.

11 thoughts on “My Vicious Cycle (no pun intended)

  1. thank you so much for your kind words. the support and advise i have had off people from here has been amazing and i now don’t feel so alone. Your story is inspiring thank you for sharing that with me i am more hopeful x


  2. I can feel your pain (Literally,) haha. I wasn’t diagnosed until after all my pregnancies. I had two kids, then a ectopic pregnancy that aborded itself, then my son was born. Every normal thing I went through was amplified because of the PCOS. Although, my periods were not as bad as yours, I have always have irregular periods since I started. With my first daughter in 1996, I didn’t even know I was pregnant because I would normally go months without having one, so when January rolled around, my stepmom was concerned because I wasn’t asking her for pads. So, she went and bought a test that came out positive, and found out I was 5 months pregnant after going to the doctor the following Monday, she was born in March on 1996. I am sorry to hear that you did not have a good support system, I used to think I was alone when I found out that I had it, because I have never heard of it before, and I am in the medical field working with primary care patients and hormone patients all day. Now, I am finding and learning from other PCOS Survivors that what I am going through, the insane mood swings, stomach cramps, facial hair, weight gain and struggle to lose any of it or motivation to do anything about it, absence of periods since 2010, menopause symptoms at age 38, depression, chronic pain are all normal symptoms of PCOS and that there is a massive support system. You are not alone, and there are plenty of places and people you can talk to. Sometimes it may be better to talk to someone that understands what you are going through.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you for your kind words and sharing 🙂 i know i shouldn’t keep worrying and there are many woman out there who have conceived normally with pcos i guess its just i only have one tube and pcos i feel like the odds are stacked against me xx


  3. Hi see after reading this blog of yours I was stunned at first that there is something like this I did some research of my own. Now i know mostly about the terms and definitions. So what I think of this post of yours is that you are really brave for coming with your problem and putting them in front of public. I do know this that writing about our problem helps hope writing helps you too. From being on the other side of screen only thing that i can say to you is i really salute you for being so strong all this time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know EXACTLY what you are going through and I promise there is a light at the end of this aggravating tunnel. I too had a rough homelife, on top of painful PCOS symptoms, and the general feeling of isolation at school, because I wasn’t like all the other girls. Through a combination of therapy, a year on anxiety meds, and eventually finding a doctor who worked with me to balance my hormones, I finally found some semblance of relief. You will get through the dark clouds. Keep searching for doctors who will take you seriously, eventually you will find one. Once you do your life will feel so much brighter. I’d highly encourage researching an endocrinologist who can test your hormone levels and prescribe medication specific to you. On a side note, I was able to spontaneously conceive my son naturally (yay!) but am now needing to see a specialist to try and conceive again. I’ve read that women with PCOS respond really well to ovulation meds so there is definitely hope for you starting your family someday.

    Sorry for the long post. In a nutshell I just want you to know you are not alone and you’ll always have a support system online you can count on ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It’s so nice to have discovered all these new resources of information and support and the more I hear of an living normal life’s and having children hildren in does give me hope 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  5. also i’d like to add, as I’m sure you’ve seen from my blog – I have two children which were conceived relatively easily and naturally, so don’t panic.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I can completely relate to you on this one. I have PCOS and was diagnosed with it when I was just 18. I have issues with weight but mostly, anxiety. For me some times its completely unbearable and irrational. I’m going though a bad patch currently actually and I’m edge all of the time with it. I’ve found that writing about issues helps a lot. No one will judge you though, its becoming a topic that is getting more attention so more people are understanding what PCOS is and how it affects women differently. I’m actually working on a post of my own around PCOS 🙂 Keep strong!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the kind words. I wrote this blog because I’m going through a bad patch too at the moment but it gives hope to me that you women like you with PCOS have children naturally 😊 I will try and keep strong and positive and I hope you do too xx

      Liked by 1 person

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