Trying is Tiring

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Hey again,

 

So right now I am struggling, I am struggling to keep my mind from racing; I am struggling keeping my emotions from getting the best of me. I am asking myself over and over again why me? Why can’t I just have one day of peace? Why can’t I go about my day just go to work come home relax and then go to bed without the diva of anxiety butting in and the cloud of depression sucking the joy out of me. Not me though my mind is too much of a pain to let me have that one day.

Even sitting here with my boyfriend watching our new favorite show I can’t relax. I know I am not being me but I am that good at hiding it now, I know he can’t tell. I want to scream I want to cry and I don’t know why (I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it).

So what can I do? Do I let these feelings consume and get to a point where there is no way back? I am asking a lot of questions aren’t I? See I did it again. Sadly I don’t have the answers yet and I don’t know if I ever will and that is what scares me the most.

I may not be able to help myself but maybe I can help other people and that is what helps keeps me going. To the people who read my blogs thank you, your likes and your comments mean the world to me and help me get through the day.

 

If you’re like me and you are struggling this is my advice:

  • Get it out, whether write it down or speak about it don’t let it consume you.
  • You are not alone, I know you feel like it but you are not whether it’s a close friend or a kind stranger people are there.
  • You are strong, I know it may not feel like it but you are, you are still here fighting each day and that shows strength.
  • You don’t need any more enemies, you are your own worst enemy so don’t add to it.
  • Pride, be proud of your mistakes. What I mean, mistakes happen for a reason and we all eventually learn from our mistakes.

 

This is a shorter blog then usual and it’s my way of basically saying I am with you all, to listen to you, a shoulder to cry on and to share laughs and accomplices. Thank you for being apart of my journey.

With hope,

Vicky

 

The Second Piece of The Puzzle

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Hey all 🙂

 

So I have started to write about bringing the pieces of joy back in my life, it is harder than it seems, as there always seems to be a reminder every day of my depression and anxiety but I have to keep fighting… don’t I????

These last few days though, the dark cloud seems to of lifted a bit and I can now think straight a bit more without dark thoughts clouding my judgment. I am enjoying books again without the urge of just reading to get lost. I am not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts to be scared of what I am thinking. Not feeling scared to be around people in case they will see the internal struggle somehow and judge. Being able to enjoy music, listening to every lyric and every note and letting it speak to me in a positive way.

 

“Everybody gets high sometimes, you know
What else can we do when we’re feeling low?
So take a deep breath and let it go
You shouldn’t be drowning on your own”

 

The first verse of Cold Water by Major Lazer. This is someone I wouldn’t normally listen to but an acoustic cover came on my playlist and I was like wow. I can relate to these lyrics as I am trying to get high on joy to bring me back from my dark times and I know I am not the only one.

 

To bring it back then, the second piece of my joy puzzle is I went to a BBQ at my friend’s house. Do you know how happy that makes me say, MY FRIENDS, these people didn’t know me 5 years ago and yes they were my boyfriend’s friends but they make me feel like one of them and I don’t know what I would do without them? I even joked about if my boyfriend and I split, I get to keep them in the separation (but they don’t know I was not joking they are stuck with me now). Even though they are my friends, the diva of my mind (my anxiety) wanted to ask a few questions. What if they don’t really like you? Do you think they remember when you broke a chair? And are you seriously going to eat around them? Etc. So yeah thanks a lot diva for that little reminder but I got my big butt dressed and out I had to prove I could get pass these thoughts and I missed them.

I am so glad I went it was a wonderful night as always. We even stayed up till midnight like the party animals we are 🙂 trust me that’s crazy for my friends as they all have kids.

 

So because there were so many plusses, too many to list and I don’t want to bore you. I will talk about the negatives. Well, my friend’s dad and stepmom came over for a bit. Yeah, I am not great with people I don’t know very well, it took me 2 years to speak to my boyfriend’s friends (a story for another day) but the stepmom insulted me from the get go. I may be being over-sensitive and don’t get me wrong this woman is a lovely woman I have met her a few times. Obviously not gave her lasting impression of myself as she preceded to greet everyone and got to me and was who are you? I have not met you before. Well color me red I wanted the ground to swallow me, I felt like saying I was at your son’s wedding and your grandchild’s christening and birthdays etc. how dare you! Are you that ignorant?? Am I the only person who thinks, even she didn’t recognize me she didn’t have to say that it’s called being polite. Well I am proud that I didn’t let it show it hurt me I just smiled and said hello as I have manors. I wish this stopped there but oh no my life is not that easy. After everyone explained to her she has met me a few times my friends dad asked a strange question, so who here don’t have kids?? My boyfriend and me raise our hands, and we were met with, what’s wrong with you don’t you want kids? Not responsible adults yet then? Not married yet then? It was like he went inside my head and had a read through my book of issues and picked those topics to ask questions about. Firstly who does that? And secondly just because someone doesn’t have kids doesn’t make them abnormal being insensitive makes you abnormal. It struck a chord with me, as it is something I want. I want kids and marriage but my boyfriend is not ready, so it’s something we do argue about but this was a BBQ, not a therapy session. Again I laughed it off and made a joke about my boyfriend being a big kid and I don’t need another one yet. That is what I do best use humor to deflect, as it’s easier. It’s bizarre how that made me go from feeling comfortable and at home with these people to feeling like an outsider once again. Lets just say I was little happy when they left I felt I could breath a bit better, as to the outsider I probably looked like I was relaxing listening to conversations. Where actually I was trying not let the bad feelings take over and make me get up and leave and I was too scared to speak around them because of the fear of being judged.

 

What I can take from this day though I did have a great time and I overcome anxiety and depression and not let it control me. I could have got up and left when I felt uncomfortable but I didn’t I stayed and it was worth it. 🙂 Nothing is perfect and I have learned joy still can shine through the dark cloud. So that was my second piece of my joy puzzle. Remember one day at a time.

 

I am trying not to be afraid anymore whether I rise or fall.

 

Vicky xxx

Day One of Joy

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Hi all 🙂

So today was the day one of the joy puzzles. For those who don’t know, the joy puzzle is me trying to bring back the joy in my life one piece at a time. Once I build up more pieces hopefully I will be able to build a bigger picture of how to feel joy again and have that feeling stay.

Well today, because it was such a beautiful day and my day off I thought I would go and sit at the park by my house since I don’t have a garden, the joys of apartments :(. Since that idea popped into my head my anxiety decided to be part of that decision.Typical anxiety being a DIVA and wanting to part of everything that I do, always asking questions like, your know people will see you? and it’s hot outside your going to sweat you know that? Will people laugh at you know that, right? and my favorite question your summer body won’t be ready for at least 10 more years if you’re lucky you know this right? Because my anxiety butted in, it sent me into a turmoil of what to wear to cover up as much as I can and not be too hot, what fits me? where are my sunglasses? So I don’t have to look at anyone. This went on and on for hours sadly of me debating and arguing with myself about going.

There is one thing I know and that is I am a bit of a diva myself and today an even bigger diva than anxiety as I won 🙂 So after changing outfits a few times ok ok a lot of times, I had my phone fully charged, a book, blanket, water and sunglasses I was ready to go.        I made my way to the park at three and found myself a spot in the corner and tried to relax. It took me a good 10 minutes before I even started to relax but with the sun soaking into my skin and the escapism the book I was reading provided, I soon started to relax. Anxiety didn’t totally leave me alone now and then it would speak up. For instance,  if someone came too close to me my anxiety would say ” they are laughing at you Vicky” “you don’t belong here, Vicky “. For once though I didn’t listen I was too proud of myself for being here and was determined nothing was going to ruin this moment.

Well apart from my bladder, as after 2 hours and a bottle of water my bladder was soon telling me to head home. I couldn’t hide the smile on my face as I walked home. I can’t believe I did it I thought. I am wearing a dress outside and with people, round me, I didn’t run home screaming I felt like air punching. If I weren’t too scared of flashing my knickers and of course fearing if someone would have seen it, I so would of but I guess mentally air punching will do for now.

The best parts of today were I didn’t give in to anxiety I made it outside and joined the society. Also, it was so lovely to see young children playing in the park like I used to maybe technology isn’t completely ruining them. The worst part of the day is that I didn’t completely get rid of my anxiety for the day it was always there at the back of my mind reminding me now and then. I guess that’s two against one though, so that means the first puzzle added bring on much more :). Even though there is a chance I may overthink it later I still did it and it brought me joy 🙂

Thank you for reading 🙂

P.S the top picture is from one of my favorite films The Breakfast Club 🙂

P.P.S me at the park 🙂

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The Puzzle of Emotions

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Hi again 🙂

 

So it’s taken me a little longer to write a new post and the reason behind that is I have been struggling with my depression. Kind of dug myself in a deep hole and I couldn’t get out. Also with what happens in the last few days in Manchester broke my heart, those poor innocent people. I had to come off social media for a bit because of the constant bad news, mixed with fear and hatred, my mind couldn’t take it. I started questioning myself!

I fight every day to keep my head above water to survive because it can’t always be like this, can it?

This world – is it worth living for? Once all the stories came forward of superheroes (yes I said superheroes) that is what those people are. The people who helped in whatever way they could by offering shelter, lifts, and comfort, anything they possibly could. That is what made me start believing in hope again and started my climb back up this hole.

 

So after a difficult week you know what I realized, I realized that I hadn’t laughed in a long time. I hadn’t let joy in; it was like my body was just turning joy into negativity. Well, that was it I thought, I needed to bring humor back into my life, but how?

Watching a funny film was a temporary fix but that soon wore off. Went for a jog, again the same thing the joy didn’t last long. Ate my weight in chocolate; now that was good but then came the guilt. The back and forth was sending my emotions into a spin, so now I’m emotionally dizzy instead of depressed; I cant win!

So frustrating! I am 28 and I can’t control the simplest motions. This made me think though; maybe those bits of joy weren’t really gone, maybe they were just part of the very big puzzle that is my life. Maybe it was showing me that I am still capable of joy, that’s the point. Through the darkest of days, there is still a part of me that wants to be happy and that’s what I hold on to because I like to think when I’m not going through this turmoil I am quite a funny person. Yes, I am one of those people who laugh at my own jokes.

 

They say we have to get through the bad to get to the good, but why though? Some say its religion that God is testing us or punishing us. How is that fair?

Well lucky me! Can I finish the test now please because I get nervous during tests so I‘m going to fail? Because I am going through a bad time I’m going to set myself a challenge to keep myself occupied and help me at the same time. Each day I am going to do one small thing that brings me joy and add that piece to the puzzle and write about it each time so prepare for my first daily blogs.

 

Thank you for reading and I must say the response I have had from starting this blog has been inspiring and kind and I hope you enjoy what is to come. Take care everyone.

Only Human

never too late

 

Hi again 🙂

 

I didn’t think it would be possible I have so much I want to share and say but I have writer’s block eurgh!!! Even though I have depression and anxiety it doesn’t define who I am. I am still me I like to see the funny side to life whenever I can. Have you to right? Some people call depression the black dog or the black cloud me I call it the pain in my ass. One day I can go to bed feeling good then wake up feeling completely empty inside. Like seriously did something come along and suck the joy out when I was asleep did my snoring not put it off? So when I do eventually drag myself out of bed looking like an extra from the walking dead I look in the mirror and it’s me not looking back anymore. My green eyes no longer sparkle, my smile irritates me too much gum not enough teeth and don’t get me started on my hair (dry and greasy how is that possible!). Well, that’s where it starts and then it’s not about my outward appearance it’s on the inside I’m not smart enough I failed in life I am not a good person. Do you see it’s a runaway train I can’t help myself, which makes me feel even worse I know what is going on but I can’t stop it?

 

I am scared that I have lost who I am in the fog. Am I the person when the black cloud isn’t above me? I am the person who struggles to look in the mirror, to be around other but also scared of my own thoughts? I am the person who puts the mask on and smiles and tells people that I am ok when I am not??

Who am I??

Well, I am only human. Don’t we all feel lost at times don’t we all pretend to be something we are not at some point in our life’s? Some people are better at hiding it than others but I guess I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.

 

I am learning to let go of the anger I have for the people who should see this battle I was going through at such a young age as they are only human.

So this is a letter to me not to the past or future but to me on my darkest days because no one can tell me they won’t end.

 

Dear me/Vicky/Victoria

 

You are having one of those days again, aren’t you? The light is so far away now that it just looks like a distant star in the night sky. You are not making yourself any better by listening to the same songs over and over again. Vicky, you need to live you need to move forward because who can you aspect people to help you if you can’t help yourself. Stop lying stop telling people what they want to hear because that feeling of loneliness will just get worse. Even if they don’t understand and walk away you have tried. I know it’s difficult letting people in but you’re stuck in such a vicious cycle you need to break it at some point. I know what you’re thinking, as I am you and yes you are scared of your own thoughts but you need to let people care. It’s not too late Victoria, yes I called you that because you need to listen for once in your life. The world will never be what you accepted but that is ok the world is not filled with rainbows and butterflies. Hold on to the good, dance in the kitchen when no one is happy to act out your favorite musicals, watch dirty dancing over and over again even though it annoys the hell of people who cares! Don’t be ashamed to get lost in a good romance book because we all need saving at some point in our life. Yes, you are no angel I know that and this is not punishment for the bad things you have done in life stop thinking that, as it will eat you alive. We are not going to get the answers you want from your family you can’t change what is done. It’s now in your hands to move forward no one else. Hey I know stupid I know you are stubborn as hell and won’t even listen to yourself but I believe in us I believe we can get our happy ending.

 

Keep dreaming Vicky one day at a time.

My Vicious Cycle (no pun intended)

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Hi again welcome back 🙂

I have touched upon the environmental factors that have influenced my mental health so I thought I would share about the medical factors that influence it. I am going to share my journey with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

For those of you who don’t know what that is, I will explain. Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the “sex hormones” Oestrogen and Progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts (benign masses on the ovaries).

PCOS can affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance. Some of the symptom’s of PCOS is irregular periods, weight gain, cysts of the ovaries, difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate), excessive hair growth usually on the face, chest, back or buttocks, thinning hair and hair loss from the head and oily skin or acne. So there is some of the medical jargon out the way.

 

Without giving you the gruesome unnecessary details, like most girls I started my journey into the valley of the mood swings and hot water bottles at 13. Oh, I remember the tears from my mom, the little goody bag of treats and pads, even my sister was nice to me.

It seemed like smooth sailing once a month, for a few days mild cramps, chocolate craving, I can deal with that. How wrong I was! I think it was normal for about a year and then hell broke lose. I started passing out on periods and the pain was immense.

I don’t blame my mom for thinking I was just being dramatic as I was still new to all this. It wasn’t until the weight started to creep on and my monthlies were getting so bad I got sent home from school. My mom took some advice from a nurse friend to get me to the doctors.

So how does this affect my mental health I hear you ask. Well, when you start putting on weight and being bullied at school it’s not the best combination. When you start passing out in public, I just started to avoid going out.

So this added to the stress. My confidence was just getting lower and lower, made me think why me! They do say there is a link between PCOS and depression as it’s a hormone imbalance. I already felt so different to other girls my age and this just added to it.

Anyway, I got took to the doctors and all my doctor did be give me stronger painkillers, wouldn’t investigate further. Sadly I think this condition helped drive a wedge between me and my Mom, she was already strict on my eating habits as I was bigger than my siblings. It felt like I had a bully at school and a bully at home. I won’t go into too many details as I think I want to write a separate blog about my Mom and me. So I just learned to live with it, dreading when they came around each month. So it wasn’t until I was 17 nearly 18 that all changed. At 17 I had my first boyfriend, things weren’t all bad for a change and then unexpectedly I got pregnant which wasn’t straightforward. I had a burst ectopic pregnancy!

Again I want to save that story for another time.

Sadly the repercussions of this event also affected my mental health, I had never felt so lonely and isolated from everyone and it’s something I never opened up about for 10 years. It was after this my Dad got private health care for his family and I went straight to the doctors and got referred to see if I had PCOS. Finally, I had my answers! I was diagnosed with PCOS. That was it I was put on the pill and left to it. It was up to me to do the research to learn about the other symptoms.

 

So fast forward a few years, other symptoms have started to show and sometimes I can get control of it, sometimes I can’t. So why I think this has affected my mental health is because not only does this affect the outside of my body, but also the inside. I have zero confidence sometimes because I hate how big I can get; I only have to smell a McDonalds and boom! 2 stone put on.

I fear going out in public and doing normal things like going to the hairdressers to even eat out. I am scared people are going to judge me by my outside appearance. My anxiety can go through the roof as I spent years of people not believing me and judging me; when I know now it’s not my fault.

I fear the future more and more as people my age are having kids but what if I can’t? That clock seems to tick louder and louder. Like anxiety and depression, I shouldn’t let this condition control me but I just can’t help it sometimes. I have the reminders when I work so hard on a diet but the weight is still there. When a friend announces the pregnancy, the sadness kicks in. When the pain is so immense that I miss days from work it makes me feel like a failure. It’s a vicious cycle of PCOS, depression, and anxiety. Sometimes I feel there is no break from it but I still remain hopeful.

 

I believe this condition is part of the black clouds above my head and I fight to see the sun shine through.

The calm in the storm

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Hi again welcome back! Thank you for reading 🙂

 

So I believe I have achieved so much progress with my anxiety and depression but when I have a bad few days it’s so easy to forget those achievements. So I thought I would write myself a reminder.

 

You beat self-harming!

 

I probably self-harmed for about 10 years if I was honest with myself. It wasn’t just one day I just decided to do it. I was a very confused, angry, broken 13-year-old. I was going to school at a battleground and coming home to one. I just wanted the pain inside to stop. It scared me how quickly I had got good at it. I knew the places no would see I knew how to do it without permanent scarring I probably only have a handful of scars from it now. The funny thing is I don’t regret doing it because it was a lesson I had to learn that I am stronger then I thought I was. Now and then I still get the urge when I am upset and stressed but so far so good for the past 5 years I have managed to resist that urge.

 

You let people in again

 

I haven’t had much faith in people and to me, sadly also blood is not always as thick as water. I have been let down by people who are supposed to care about me and love me no matter what. Friends and family have turned their back on me and used my weaknesses against me. I am starting to let that go though I am starting to let people slowly back in again and build bridges with people and form new friendships. I had to stop judging people of my present from the people in my past.

 

You have been honest

 

The day I went to healthy minds and had an assessment was the day I owed up to a fact I am suffering from depression and anxiety and I have some serious issues. I am now very forward with people and most of the people I have relationships now know. I had to be honest with myself and to others and stop hiding behind that wall of everything is ok. Since being honest I do have a better understanding of my issues and how to face them head on.

 

 

This is only a short blog as I am still dealing with my problems and so I hope one day in the future this list will a lot longer. I have hope for the first time in years that one day I will be ok. So if you were to write a list of things you are proud of yourself for achieving what would it be? Give it a go and look back on it during those bad days.

 

#onedayatatime