The things I wish I could say… Dad edition!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, it is Sunday and we all know what that means, last day in my weekend bubble 😦 I have spent most of the day either getting ready for this blog post or just relaxing in my pajamas drinking my body weight in tea because today is Father’s Day. I haven’t spent the day with my Dad or even spoken to him, yes ladies and gentleman as well as having mother issues I have father issues too. Yay me! I have tried to stay away from social media as much as I could as well today, as it just saddens me seeing people post about their dad, even people who have lost their dad makes me feel guilty that I have a dad who is alive but don’t speak too. It really isn’t as simple as picking up the phone and talking to him, I wish it was.

I know I have spoken more about my issues with my mother, the thing is the issues with my mom is something I have been dealing with for years and it’s not as fresh as my issues with my dad. So without giving you the long-winded story of my family I am going to face this the best way I know how.

This is a letter to my father.

Hey Dad,

I thought this would be easier to write as I know what I want to say but the words won’t come out, I really didn’t think we would get to this point. Do you even miss your little girl? Do you even think about me anymore? Are you just too god damn lost in this bitter world you have created for yourself? This is your mess dad mot mine or my siblings, yours. You are responsible for the choices you made and now you have to be responsible for the consequences. It fucking hurts me to the core right now but you know what? I will be ok.
You might be wondering why your kids don’t speak to you anymore and why you are spending Father’s Day without us. Dad don’t you understand the damage you have done, for you it is just a memory, for me the pain lives on. You have torn our family apart time after time and now the pieces can’t be put back together they are too damaged. You’re a alcoholic no matter how much you protest you are not, you have lied and cheated and caused so much pain but you know what dad I still fucking love you.
There was a point where I thought we would end up close but I soon realised I was just the flavor of the month because let’s be honest that’s how you treat your kids.
I have great memories of you dad because I am a lot like you, I have your humor, your big ass ears and I also have lied. But the tears I have shed from the drunken insults, by the memories I wish I could forget soon cloud those good memories. The way you have treated my mom fuck it the whole family has caused so many casualties. In my eyes that house was a war zone at times and now we are old enough we can walk away from the war, to no longer be a casualty. I am sorry dad it has got to this, a part of me hopes things will change but that hope soon fades.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

When your mind has too many fucking tabs open…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Today was a good day and I have been pretty good most of this week and what I was unaware of was the bitch of anxiety was hiding around the corner, tonight I have had a massive anxiety attack this is why this blog post is later than planned. I have had a massive anxiety attack this evening triggered by something so small to the outside world but to me, it wasn’t. The thoughts of self-harm and despair and hopelessness have soon washed away the feelings of hope and joy.
FUCK!!!!! I really don’t want to do battle with the bitch of anxiety I am so tired and I really don’t like my mind right now. What is wrong with me why can’t I just function for just one day?
I am tired of dealing with anxiety and I am tired of moaning about it I feel like a broken record that just keeps playing the same song over and over again. I want a new song I want a song that will make me dance like no one is watching, is that too much to ask?

So my tip of the day is – When your mind has too many fucking tabs open…

What I write is not pretty but it is always pure, it comes from my raw feelings and I have to do it this way becaUse I want to put across my journey with mental health as accurate as possible.

I know I am vulnerable right now and have started slipping down that slope towards a depression cycle and it scares the shit out of me but I won’t go down without a fight I will dig my heels in and hold on tight. That bitch of anxiety has texted her good friend depression to pop on over for a visit without my permission, told you she was a bitch. It feels like my mind has too many tabs open and I am trying to think about all things at once and when I think I have closed a tab anxiety opens another, no I don’t want to look at things I can’t afford anxiety and I definitely don’t want to look at videos of my top 10 embarrassing moments. Anxiety likes to prey on you when you feel you have lost control of a situation no matter how small it may be.
I know I am not the only one out there dealing with this right now so that is why I urge you to hold on tight please I know it hurts and I know you are tired I am too, but the stars are still there behind the dark cloud you will see them again.
Put your self-care into action get your mental health toolbox out and fucking show those demons who is boss.

We all fall down
We live somehow
We learn what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

 Sharp edges – Linkin Park

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Write it, see it, do it!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Today felt like Monday decided it wanted to another turn this week, even though that bitch of anxiety seems to of lost her voice, she has left a mark. I have such a heavy feeling on my chest because of it. Everything I seem to do today from forgetting my lunch to not being able to energy to organize my paperwork has the same reply from the back of my mind, “because you are a failer” I know this is just the bitch of anxiety but it’s my mind how can I ignore that!
That part of my mind that knows I am strong and not a failure has been telling that bitch of anxiety to fuck off but things like that leave a stain on your heart.
Am I a failure? Am I destined to fail my way through life?
Hell fucking no, I wouldn’t be here writing to you lovely lot if I was such a failure would I. Sometimes I have to remind myself the things I have battled through to shake myself from the grips of anxiety hence why I keep a lot of lists.

I have survived:
• Bullying
• Abusive partner
• Self-arming
• Being homeless
• Turbulent family life
• Eating disorder
• Traumatic ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage
• The death of my Nan
• Losing my best friends
• Being diagnosed with PCOS
• Being diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety

I have survived it all and I am still surviving, yes I struggle but I am only human. The things we survive can be our weakness but can also be another piece of our armor to battle through life with. I guess it can be as simple is your glass half full or half empty outlook.

So my tip of the day – Write it, see it, do it!

I need to start taking a few more risks in life as the kids would say be a bit YOLO (I cringed at that word), but I am no good at taking risks, that’s the curse of over thinking. But I feel I am not living life, I am just surviving and that is no way to live every single day.
So I am going to set myself a target and I hope you all can join me with this, I am going to write it, see it, do it! I am going to write on a post-it note and put on my mirror every month something I want to do but over think I every time and don’t end up doing. For me it’s going to be:
• Write it – write down getting my hair cut
• See it – acknowledging I need to do it, not next month but that month.
• Do it – get it done, fight through the bitch of anxiety.

It’s not going to be easy but I am going to try!
If you do try it yourself please leave a comment to let me know how you get on.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

The stars are still there behind the clouds

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Someone is a happy human today and yes surprisingly that happy human is me, which may be because I have managed to get a t-shirt to represent how much I love Sunday and some amazing new pajamas. So even though I have left my weekend bubble for a couple of hours it was worth it because I was worth it. After a week of having that bitch of anxiety taking up residence in my head, I deserved a treat.

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This week has been filled with these wonderful things:
• Stress at work
• The bitch of anxiety taking the wheel
• Facing my fears
• The mother issues rising to the service again
• Loneliness

So as you can tell it’s been a shit load of lemons thrown my way. So now I need I am trying to get my shit together after having an emotional anxiety filled week. I am not only physically tired but I am emotionally tired from the anxiety but that hasn’t stopped the fire burning strong inside me to make things better again.

So this week has also been filled with:
• Hope
• Determination
• Love
• Gratitude

This brings me to my tip of the day – The stars are still there behind the clouds.

It is so easy to focus on the bad shit that happens to us because it is so hard to ignore, as it is like a dark cloud that casts a shadow on everything. But behind that dark cloud lies the brightest of stars shining, just waiting for you to look up and notice.
If I wouldn’t have stood back and really looked back on this week I wouldn’t have remembered there was good that come out of this week and that it was not always doom and gloom.
So if you have had a bad time lately, stop and look up at the stars and for every bad thing that has happened try to think of a good thing. It doesn’t have to be big it could be as simple as you managed to eat breakfast after now being able to eat due to stress and anxiety.
Please feel free to share in the comments your stars from this week 🙂

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Will I lose my dignity, will someone care…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. It is nearly Friday and that bitch of anxiety still won’t let go, she really is an interfering cow. I have practically come home every day this week just so exhausted from work and battling the bitch. It doesn’t help having my sleep disturbed again last night by this overwhelming anxiety attack, come on I am asleep let me be for a few hours.
Ah well, will fight another day, because I am stubborn as hell and I hate to lose, as this is my life and I be damned if I give up now. I have come too far in this battle with my mental health and can’t turn back now.

Before you read the next part of this blog post I just want to reassure you all that I am ok, I am not going through a depression cycle, I felt like I needed to let my emotions run freely tonight…

My tip of the day is – Face your fears.

If you follow me on social media you may know that tonight I felt I had a bit of a loss with the battle of anxiety today. So I decide to come home get comfy and have a good cry just let the emotions out while watching one of my favourite musicals, Rent. A quarter of the way through the film the song that was sung just unleashed the tears, I sobbed my heart out because I felt the lyrics spoke to my soul.
“Will I lose my dignity, will someone care, will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare.”
In the musical, some of the characters are at a support meeting for people battling HIV and a guy starts singing about what he is scared of. So after my tears had subsided, I got my notebook out and wrote my fears so I could face up to them.

My fears

• Bipolar scares me.
• I don’t want to be another figure in the ever-growing victims’ list of people who have lost their life due to their mental health.
• I fear I will never be accepted for me.
• Is the girl gone who just lived?
• I don’t want to be lost anymore.
• I am not strong enough.
• Will everyone end up walking away from me?
• Will I ever just be content?
• Anxiety will always rule my life.
• I am not loveable.
• I am going to start cutting again.

These are my fears, my battle, my baggage, however you want to put it, this is my fight every day. What fears do you face and how do you find it best to face them so you are no longer feared by them? Please feel free to comment below lets help each other with our fears.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Scream and shout let it fucking out!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. It’s only Tuesday I am ready to drown my sorrows in a bath size cup of tea, that bitch of anxiety has set up home in my head and won’t get the message she is not wanted. I think I am going to get a punching bag with anxiety written on one side and bipolar on the other and kick the shit out of it during the bad days, what you think? As it got so bad on Monday night I woke up in sheer panic at stupid o’clock in the morning because anxiety fancied a fucking chat about “someone is breaking in” “ you shouldn’t go to work” “ you’re a burden on your partner”. Well after my partner had calmed me I stuck two fingers up to anxiety and ignored her bullshit and carried on the good fight, went back to sleep in my loving partner’s arms and went to work next day.

I know it is not always going to be that easy, but I fucking won I did I got my shit together and ignored the bitch that is content on ruining my life. Its victories like this we should always remember, save them somewhere, whether you write it down in a tiny victories list or store it in your mind, those victories should be used to shine the light on the dark days.

So today’s tip of the day is – Scream and shout let it fucking out!

Look we can’t always keep a cool head, sometimes I get so angry with myself, with the world, with my mental illness no chamomile tea is going to put out that fire. At the same time, it is ok not to be ok, it is ok to feel angry, upset, hurt, disappointed, those are your feelings and own that. Sometimes I get so angry I feel like smashing every single cup in my cupboard, I don’t because what would I drink tea in! Hence why I think I should get a punching bag, thinking of my cups safety!
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying it is an excuse to be an asshole, but don’t extinguish those flames completely, whether it’s going into a dark room a screaming into a pillow to feel better or using that fire to push you forward on your journey to get shit done.
Your feelings matter, as you matter.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

You are not a fucking doormat!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, my weekend bubble has well and truly been popped! That bitch of anxiety and dark cloud of depression has decided to pay me a little visit, yay me!
I am certain it will pass and it is not a cycle, it is just the result of a shitty thing happening to me today but I will be ok it is not the first time I am battling that bitch and I am sure it won’t be the last.
I think today will leave an emotional scar though, a nice little reminder of how I am just no good with people. Like honestly what is wrong me? Why doesn’t anyone want me in their life?
Sorry, the anxiety took the wheel for a moment, but it is so hard not to feel and think these things when no matter what approach I take I end up in the dirt most of the time. I am tired, so fucking tired of being let down all the damn time. Don’t I deserve people’s time? Don’t I deserve their care? Don’t I deserve more than this?
Oops, anxiety crept in there a little, crafty cow.
Well, today I fell, not hard enough to send me stumbling down a dark spiral but enough to scrap my knee and now I need that plaster of self-care to mend my soul. So I am going to put on a musical and get my tea on!

Anyway time for my tip of the dayYou are not a fucking doormat!

The people around us do not measure our self-worth, we decide what we are worth. Just because you have a few issues doesn’t mean you should measure your self-worth lower.
Your issues don’t mean you are not worthy of this world because we all have baggage, some of us more then others but that is ok. So don’t take shit from people because you are scared they are going to leave you, if those people can’t handle you at your worse then they don’t deserve you at your best.
Love shouldn’t come with a price, love is free and that is how it should remain. So if you have someone in your life who makes you feel unworthy, remember you are strong and deserve more then that. Don’t be afraid to show people the door as sometimes we may have to cut people out our life but sometimes those people hand you the scissors.
Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx