Don’t just find your voice find your ROAR!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I am never going to doubt the power of crystals again, ever since I have kept the rose quartz crystal close to my heart the colour is slowly coming back into my grey world. I know it may seem crazy but I honestly do feel a bit more emotionally stable, I feel I can sort through the bullshit that seems to weigh heavy on my mind. I am back in the driver seat of my mind and it hasn’t ever felt so good to be back in control.
I will always stand by the power of self-care! If I didn’t start developing the healthy habits of taking care of myself from the small things like 5-minute tea break at work and writing down my victories of the day, then I don’t think I will be this far along this path of recovery. Even with the occasional setback, I am still further along than I thought I would ever me. By learning to do self-care and developing my accountability of how I am feeling and the situation around me, has saved me from letting the storm devour me at times. Acceptance can go a long way, whether it is accepting you are feeling low or accepting a helping hand it will stand you in good stead in the long run.

So my tip of the day is –

Don’t just find your voice find your ROAR!

Most of us can grief for who we used to be before the trauma or mental illness took over and created who we are now. We can lose our identity and our voices to a point that we don’t even recognize who we are now. I have wasted so much time trying to find that person again and I now know I need to accept that girl is gone and that voice is gone.
But that doesn’t mean that I can’t find a new voice! New is always scary especially with anxiety that fear of the unknown can fuck with your mind. That voice is out there ready for the taking whether you find it through therapy, writing, drawing or music, whatever makes you feel loved and acceptance from within. Your voice is in there waiting for you to ROAR!

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Crying is not a sign of weakness!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. This is fucking ridiculous what the hell is wrong with me; it is like I am stuck in the middle zone. There are dark clouds but no storm there is anxiety but no fog there is light but not sunshine. I am really struggling to explain it, I am not full blown low mood cycle but I am not my normal self. It is like everything grey, yes that is it everything is grey there is no darkness but no colour I am stuck in an endless void right now and I don’t know which way it is going to end up swinging.
I am so glad I got myself a rose quartz crystal the other day I think that is helping to keep a little bit balanced thorugh this and not letting the darkness fully take over. I just hope I get unstuck soon this is a weird place to be and I feel the more I am stuck in this grey zone the harder it is going to be to get out of it.
I do feel this stems from me trying to face my food issues and I knew it was going to be hard but this is really taking a toll on me mentally I just hope I get an appointment with my therapist soon. To be honest I feel like my therapist is going to need to see a therapist after seeing my ray of sunshine self!

So my tip of the day is –

Crying is not a sign of weakness!

I will be honest, I do love a good cry and yes sometimes I cry at moments where I wish I wouldn’t of but after a while, I always feel a strange feeling of relieve. Yes, I have also felt shame, fear, and frustration if I have cried in a situation I didn’t want to cry but there is still that feeling of relieve behind those negative thoughts.
You can’t always put into words how you are feeling and I believe crying is a healthy way of letting out those feelings and emotions. What I would give right now to have a good cry but I just can’t seem to do it.

Crying is a magical thing as we can end up crying due to many different emotions good and bad, also can you think of any other thing the body physically does that is so reactive to your emotions? Because I can’t.

A single tear is a sign of strength not weakness, your tears have the ability to wash away the pain or show how happy you are, it is time we learn to not be embarrassed of our tears.
Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

If you can’t open a door then open the window…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Yes, I am still a grumpy cow! I don’t feel like this is a mood cycle I just think it is a dark cloud hanging around above me that I can’t seem to escape from. The sun is still shining but the dark cloud won’t fuck off, it is like the gift that keeps on giving, I am irritated, moody, unmotivated and just feeling blurgh!

Omg, I just realized I am literally Daria right now.

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So I think it is time for a tip of the day instead of another moaning blog post, don’t you think? So I guess it is onwards and upwards. Actually one last moan, I am back to work tomorrow after two weeks off I am definitely feeling the Sunday night blues right now. I am at the point where I am questioning a lot in my life right now and my job is one of them, well that is a story for another day. Ok, now I am done with the moaning.

My tip of the day is –

If you can’t open a door then open the window…

Being open is so hard and especially if you feel had experienced trauma in the past. It is one of those things that once you close up it is hard to prise that door back open because usually we open close it lock it throw away the key and even nail it shut.
We end up either a volcano of emotions or feeling so disconnected from the world. As we lose that skill how to socialize with people. I definitely feel both because my social skills are awful and it takes me a long time to communicate with people.

So the lesson is even though that door may be closed and we are dead against of trying to open it, we can open a window. The thing is by opening that window you can save your life. We have to be able to have a line of communication with someone in our lives because feeling lonely is a fucking awful feeling.
By opening the window you can start small, whether it is starting to say hello how are you the person who serves you coffee or asking a colleague how their weekend was. It takes practice and you never know where that window may lead you.
Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

I wish I was worthy…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. There are many deep pains that I carry with me all the time and I know deep down that these pains will always be with me, they are apart of me now, sewn into my DNA. That doesn’t mean that these pains will control my life forever but they hold an influence at the moment over how I am feeling on a daily basis as I feel they do have the power to tip the scales and cause a mood cycle.

There is one pain that stops me from being able to look in the mirror, from going to a hairdressers’, stops me from trying clothes on in a store and even sometimes leaving my house. This pain is stalking me and I try so fucking hard to ignore it but I can’t, how can you ignore something that stops you from looking in the mirror?

This is not a tip of a day this is me just letting my emotions bleed, I will not cut anymore as I can’t go down that dark path anymore, but I need to let this out before it builds up to a point that I am choking on it.

I wish I worthy

I wish I didn’t look the way I do
I want to be worthy
I wish I didn’t hurt anymore
I want to be worthy
I wish my reflection wasn’t what I saw
I want to be worthy
I wish I could accept my flaws
I want to be worthy
I wish I could have peace in my mind
I want to be worthy
I wish this were something I leave behind
I want to be worthy
I wish I were worthy….
Emotions are a strong thing and with having bipolar I feel like I can feel too many emotions at once or none at all, it is a total mind fuck! So no wonder I feel at times when something is bothering me it can be so intense that I feel like you can see each emotion written out on my skin. Which that makes me feel like everyone can see my weaknesses, which leaves me wondering will these scars lead me to my beautiful?

So yeah no tip of the day sorry guys just me venting!

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Being lost doesn’t last forever

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. So I failed my first hurdle with facing my food issues, fuck! How am I suppose to deal with this if I am that far gone that I can’t even see the warning signs anymore. I comfort ate and it has become so second nature to me now that I didn’t realize I was doing it until it is too late. I know I shouldn’t focus on the negative and tomorrow is a new day and all but I can’t help feeling disappointed in myself and of course, the bitch of anxiety is laughing at me and pulling out her bag of tricks.
It’s a had place to be in, that middle zone of not whether to carry on or just quit, if I carry on and fail again do I risk a dark storm approaching due to this or do I just give up now and not risk sending myself through a mental whirlwind of crap.
Eurgh!!!!! I really don’t know what to do! It is a fight or flight situation, but this is not the right time to make that decision I am going to wait till I speak to a professional and just take it day by day.

So enough of my whining, let’s move on to my tip of the day, I feel like I have not done this in a while.

Tip of the day – Being lost doesn’t last forever.

I am lost right now and sucks but that doesn’t always mean I am always going to remain lost, it just means I haven’t found the right way yet. You don’t need to wait for someone to find you, you just need to calm down the panic and stay strong. Sooner or later it will come, the light or the idea or even a fucking map will appear one you stop over thinking every turn you make. So you find a dead end it may seem like the end of the world at the time but there are many ways to deal with a dead end. You can either turn around and find a new path or smash your way through the dead end. You can do this, you won’t be lost forever.

We are the authors of our own story…
Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Me, myself and food…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I’m back!!!! Feels like it has been ages since I have been in my happy place but it has only been a week. I went away for a few days camping at the coast, I was originally going to write a blog post while I was away but I change my mind within seconds of arriving. How was supposed to charge my batteries’ if I was going to put that pressure on myself to try to write, but I did take my notebook with me and I did write down ideas and thoughts while I was away.
If you follow me on social media you know by now my small breakaway was just what the doctor ordered. There is something about going back to basics and being close to the sea that is so magical and so healing. I could hear my thoughts again, the fog was washed away by the waves and I feel more focused on my goals and aspirations than ever before.
Today I am going to do something a bit different; I am not going to talk about myself! *pause for gasp* no only joking! This is a post I have worked on from on and off and it is a part of me I find so hard to talk about.

Me, myself and food.

I have mentioned in passing now and then that I have some serious food issues but talking about makes me cringe inwardly, the bitch of anxiety comes out to play and I just close up and push it back down in that dark place in my mind where we keep things we just don’t feel strong enough to face.
Now that I am feeling a bit stronger, I have pulled that box out of that dark place labeled food and opened it up so I can try to sort it out, as I can’t let it go on much longer as I fear it will eventually destroy me.

So let’s open this box and see what comes out:
• Was put on a diet at the age of 10 as I started to gain weight rapidly.
• Parents criticized me about my weight and still do.
• They once bought toning belt for me when I was 13.
• I once wrote a letter to my sister at 12 asking her how I can be skinny like her.
• I was chastised as a kid for not eating my vegetables and now I have such a phobia of them that still aged 29 I can’t eat most vegetables without gagging.
• I comfort eat, which used to lead me on to self-harm afterward.
• I was once bulimic and no one around me knew.
• I feel such shame for eating junk food that I still will hide the packets.
• I used to not be able to eat in front of people; I still struggle with that from time to time.
• I refuse to look at myself fully on the mirror.

Wow seeing it wrote down like that is honestly overwhelming, like how the fuck am I going to solve this amount of food issues. Unfortunately, I have just been packing my food issues away over the years and now I don’t think I could fit them all back in the box if I tried.

So my journey begins…

Now that it is out in the open I can’t hide from it anymore I can’t pretend the problems don’t exist. So I am going back to therapy and also I have been in touch with also seeing a hypnotherapist. I don’t know where this journey will take me and I am scared shitless that I will fail but I have to try.
The funny thing I do actually love food and I love cooking but I also have a very unhealthy relationship with food and that is what needs to improve. I don’t want to cry anymore I don’t want to hate myself anymore I want this pain to end before it ends me.

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Who the fuck am I? Part 3…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. So the storm is still clearing and the light is breaking through the clouds every now and then, my mood is feeling lighter even though there is still a bit of light rain in the air. This is the thing with bipolar, a cycle can feel like it lasts longer than what it does because the recovery process is usually quite slow. Even though I know the storm is over, I still feel a little heavy-hearted but that might also be down to the bitch of anxiety and mother nature joining forces to turn me into she-hulk for next few days if you know what I mean. Just in time for camping on Tuesday, lucky me! I am so glad I have 2 weeks off from work though and I was very honest with work, I told them I was burnt out and I needed some time to focus on my mental health and physical health. The response was amazing and they thanked me for being so honest. Sometimes taking risks work out and I know not every job will do that but that is why it is called a risk and for my mental health I had to take that risk.

So this week I have been focusing on me, myself and I. As I stated in my first post of who the fuck am I? We can lose who we are in our mental illness and that’s a horrible feeling to have of not recognizing who you are.

Who the fuck am I? Part 3…

I am fucking hilarious! No, I am deadly serious I honestly do think I am funny. I would say my sense of humor is quite dry and sarcastic, most people might say it is a typical English type of sense of humor. Yes before you ask I do laugh at my own jokes and what is wrong with that!
I know my sense of humor is something I inherited from my dad but that did come with some bad habits attached. I will use humor a lot to deflect an emotional situation. My role in a circle of friends always seems to be the funny one, the girl who can make people laugh and that got me friend zoned a lot with boys when I was younger, they didn’t want to be in a relationship with the chubby funny girl, just friends! So when guys did get interested I really didn’t know how to deal with it.
My humor came part of my shield, I am first to make a joke about myself so I don’t have to hear it from someone else, kind of beat them to the punch situation. But being the clown can be a double edged sword, as people start to think; well she won’t have a problem if I poke fun a bit as she can take a joke. Nope sorry I am one sensitive clown.
Yes, it is a good thing to have a sense of humor and to be able to see the funny side of life, it can also lead down a very slippery slope and hiding behind your humor and not facing things head on.
Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx